How to move on from a toxic relationship

Moving on from a toxic relationship takes real time, because ending it doesn’t erase the bond your nervous system built. Research on abusive relationships shows that inconsistent treatment, kindness and harm mixed unpredictably, can make that bond stronger and longer-lasting, not weaker. Healing happens in stages: safety and stabilization first, then today’s triggers, then rebuilding trust and self-worth.

Maybe you left months ago and still flinch at their name. Maybe you’re still there, replaying the good moments to justify staying. Either way, “just get over it” undersells what your mind and body are actually working through.

Why does it take so long to feel like yourself again?

“Toxic relationship” isn’t a clinical term, but the harm behind it is real and documented. A 2022 study in the International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology surveyed people who’d been in a relationship with a partner showing traits like manipulation, deceit, or a lack of remorse. It found consistent effects: anxiety, hypervigilance, eroded self-trust, and self-blame.

That means your reaction isn’t an overreaction. It’s a well-documented response to a real, harmful pattern.

Part of why moving on takes time is that leaving doesn’t switch the attachment off. A classic 1993 study in Violence and Victims followed 75 women who’d recently left abusive relationships. It found that inconsistent treatment, kindness and harm alternating unpredictably, predicted stronger attachment to the ex-partner, along with more trauma symptoms and lower self-esteem, still measurable six months after leaving. The pull can outlast the relationship by a long way, and that’s physiology, not weakness.

If this is a pattern, not a one-off, that’s worth naming too. EMDR’s own theory, the Adaptive Information Processing model, holds that patterns like this usually trace back to earlier relational experiences, according to EMDRIA, EMDR’s professional association. Our repeating toxic relationship patterns page goes deeper into why, and attachment wounds covers how those earlier experiences shape what “normal” feels like now.

Why do you still miss someone who hurt you?

Missing them doesn’t mean the harm wasn’t real, and it doesn’t mean you want them back. A 2022 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that empathy, genuinely understanding or feeling for a partner, can intensify this kind of bond instead of weakening it. Caring about someone who hurt you is a common, human response, not proof you’re doing this wrong.

Self-blame tends to show up here too, and it works against you. A 2025 study in Scientific Reports found self-compassion, not self-criticism, predicts real growth after a hard experience. Treating yourself with the same patience you’d offer a friend isn’t indulgent. It’s one of the better-supported paths through this.

How do you start moving on, safely, one piece at a time?

You don’t have to feel fully “over it” to start. Settling today’s triggers, like a name that stings or the urge to check their socials, is real, connected work. It’s also a first step toward rebuilding trust, which our trust issues page covers in more depth.

Start from steady ground, not from inside the memory. Spend a minute in a calm place, real or imagined, or use simple grounding before you touch anything difficult. Then go slow: pick one small moment, not the whole relationship, and keep sessions short. Know your stop point too: if distress climbs above a 7 out of 10 and won’t settle, stop, ground yourself, and consider working with a professional instead.

With that in place, try this for one wave, like an intrusive replay or the urge to reach out:

• Rate it. On a 0–10 scale, how strong is this right now?
• Bring one moment to mind, not the whole relationship, just this piece of it.
• Add bilateral stimulation. Move your eyes slowly left and right for 20–30 seconds, or tap alternating shoulders or knees.
• Pause and notice what shifted, without forcing anything.
• Repeat 3 to 5 short rounds, checking the number again each time.

EMDR carries a well-established evidence base for trauma; the American Psychological Association lists it among recommended treatments. A 2023 pilot study in the Journal of EMDR Practice and Research even found attachment insecurity eased after a course of EMDR therapy, though part of that effect was tied to the therapeutic relationship itself, and research on “toxic relationships” as a specific category is still thin. EmEase, a self-guided EMDR app, offers the bilateral-stimulation technique in a paced, guided format at app.emease.com, if you’d rather not track the timing yourself.

When does this need more than a self-guided practice?

This fits the everyday texture of moving on: a hard memory, a wave of missing them, the urge to check up on them. It’s not enough on its own if the relationship involved real abuse, threats, or control, if you can’t stop contact even when you want to, or if hopelessness sets in instead of easing. After emotional abuse covers that heavier end of this in more depth, and a therapist experienced in trauma or relationship abuse is the safer path for any of the above.

If you’re currently in a relationship that feels unsafe, this page isn’t the right tool for that moment. A safety plan comes first, and our crisis resources page has support for that, including options if you need help right now. Otherwise, know this: moving on isn’t one decision, it’s a series of smaller ones, and today’s is enough.